Annoying. I know. I would say I am working on it, because I am, but I don't want to get up any false hopes that the quirk will be eradicated overnight.
Well--because it won't.
Anyway, one of the classics during my University era was the word 'judging' and a few phrases containing the word.
"You're judging."
"You're judging, and you're jealous."
"You're such a judger!" (Not a word, I know)
Or, the ever classic *look-at-you-with-raised-eyebrows* "JUDGING."
etc.
Oh dear. I must defend the ridiculousness of this in stating that none of these accusations were ever used in much seriousness, and though the hilarity of the jest quite wore off after a week or two I am sure, they inexplicably remained frequent members of my conversation bank for 2 or more years.
For those who felt the need to take me literally, Elder Oaks' talk "'Judge Not' and Judging" was frequently brought up, thereby attempting to turn a jest into a serious conversation. Served me right, I am sure, but I don't think I ever had it, and I do believe I offended people on occasion with my insensitivity. No one wants to be told that they are unrighteously judging (especially after reading and understanding Elder Oak's powerful testimony on the need for righteous judgment) and I should not have joked about such things. I am sorry.
Lately, I have had many thoughts on the subject of judgment, the ways that we judge, etc. I am sure that there are plenty of scriptures on this topic that I have not found, but I have seen a few and learned a great deal in the last few weeks about how we judge. If you care to read Elder Oaks' talk linked above, please do. I am not going to discuss the whole thing here again. It has been done. However, I will include his brief summary so that you know what he was getting at if you are unfamiliar with the material:
In the intermediate judgments we must make, we should take care to judge righteously. We should seek the guidance of the Spirit in our decisions. We should limit our judgments to our own stewardships. Whenever possible we should refrain from judging people until we have an adequate knowledge of the facts. So far as possible, we should judge circumstances rather than people. In all our judgments we should apply righteous standards. And, in all of this we must remember the command to forgive.
Being interested in more than just circumstantial directions for judgment (not to discount Oaks, his talk is incredibly insightful and useful, I just wanted to switch gears) I have stumbled upon a few things that have enlightened my understanding on the topic of righteous judgment. I would simply like to add my voice to all of those others who have paved the way for further thought on the subject.
I am normally a fan of mystery/surprises, but I am going to cut right to the chase on this one.
RIGHTEOUS JUDGMENT SHOULD ALWAYS BE BASED ON SOMETHING IN AND OF ITSELF.
Let me explain.
We live in a world of comparison. Comparing my job to yours, comparing my kids to yours, my husband to yours, my front yard to yours, my Christmas lights to yours (P.S. I don't have a husband, or children... you get the point) I am probably not going to stop comparing all of the time, because I am human. I wish I could stop doing it.
Really, though. This is what it comes down to: Who cares?! Just because your kid is smart in Geometry, and mine has to go to a special class just to scrape through in math. What in the world of a difference does it make? It can go the other way. Maybe my child is a genius at the piano, and yours couldn't identify the difference between a piano and a tuba.
Again. Who cares? Who really cares?
Well. The answer to that is probably "all involved parties". But the answer probably should be "no one".
Let us say for the sake of the story that we don't care, (oh what a world it would be) and we decide that we're just going to look at our children and not pay attention to what the others children are doing. Now I see my child for what it is: a talent at the piano, who could use some help at math. He is no better, or no worse than your child. He just is.
Liberating, isn't it?
Driving analogy! Driving analogies are always good, right? The old, "road trip of life" bit. Ok, so you're driving on the Freeway (in SL county, so you're going 75 in a 65, not 65 in a construction zone 55) and you see this girl next to you in a sports car ROCKING out to some new album she just got at Graywhale and is pretty excited about. You have some options here:
1. You can think to yourself, "Wow. That girl is a total idiot. She is not paying attention. She is going to crash and die."
2. You can think to yourself, "Looks like a good time. I wonder what she's listening to. Good old Graywhale, that place is awesome. Maybe if I tilt my head this way I can see the album cover so that I can go to Graywhale later and pick it up for myself."
OK. One of those thoughts is nice, the other isn't. Is either really all that helpful? I'm thinking not so much. Well, you might get some good music out of it later on. Truth be told, you're most likely just going to crash your own car because you're so fixated on what she is doing you're not paying enough attention to your own thing.
Ok, so does that mean you just stare at your own lane, and never look over at all? I remember when I was learning to drive being told the skill of assertive driving (which, I'm actually not that great at). Assertive drivers are very aware of what is going on around them so that they can react accordingly to protect themselves.
We're getting to one of the hearts of my issue now. This life, despite what others may tell you, is about you. Before you think I'm an apostate, hear me out.
You can only control yourself.
You have been told to "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling before [The Lord]."
Only you can determine if you are exalted or not.
You cannot have faith for other people, or use other people's faith.
You cannot use other people's oil.
You cannot save other people.
You cannot control other people/things, you can only control your reactions to other people/things.
So, if this isn't about me, then how come all of these principles are true?
Yeah. This is not the one where I talk about "losing yourself to find it" because... well, that is a story for another rainy day. For now, I am talking about judging, and the need for each of us to WORRY ABOUT OURSELVES.
Back to the car thing. Two other options.
3). You can say "I do not care about what is going on in the car next to me, because I am just worrying about my own self and my own car. I am not going to look over there at all, or pay any mind to anything going on around me." (all the while, Graywhale girl is jamming recklessly away).
4). OR, finally, you can think, "I see next to me a girl in a car who does not seem to be paying close attention to the road. Whatever her reasons, I need to make sure to steer clear of any potential danger. I will be especially cautious as I drive next to her. In fact, maybe I'll move lanes so that I won't be near her. I sure hope she's OK."
Which of the 4 options is the most productive? Number 3 seems like a good plan at first glance. Don't worry about others, just worry about yourself. But, that option might also get you killed. I mean, she really isn't paying very close attention. If you chose option 4, you are protecting yourself without being unfair. You acknowledge that perhaps she has reasons you don't understand for driving recklessly. You aren't pronouncing impending death on her and those in her car. You are making an observation (as Elder Oaks would point out, one without all of the facts, because you do not have the time or the means necessary to get all of the facts) and you will most likely benefit yourself by this method of judgment. You are looking out for yourself, and judging a situation (as Elder Oaks also suggests), instead of a person.
The dialogue goes from: "That girl is a total idiot, she's going to get us all killed." to "This car is probably not safe to be around indefinitely."
Better yet if you have your children in the car, you are also making a judgment call with their safety in mind.
Now, say you're driving and you see your own daughter driving recklessly? Ok, that is also a question for another day. Haha! (Sorry).
Back to the very points at hand. How do we judge? I was saying earlier that we should judge things in and of themselves. Saying, "I'm a way better driver than that chick!" is NOT productive. How in the world is that going to help anything? Joke's on you if you end up rear-ending someone because you're sitting there thinking about how much of a better driver you are than Graywhale girl.
Saying, "I am going to be careful driving next to that car because for whatever reason, the car is not being handled in the best way. I wonder if I sometimes do the same thing? I know sometimes when a favorite song comes on I can be a little distracted. I should work on paying more attention while I'm driving." is a very productive way to judge. It is not a comparison call. It is judging something for what it is, in and of itself. It is not professing to know all of the facts, and giving room for the possibility (maybe even if it's not a probability) of there being other reasons why the young woman is not driving cautiously or carefully. This statement also brings it back to ME. Because this is about ME. "I need to work on things as well. I can learn from this. I will not drive distracted. I will try to be more cautious on the road."
Moroni 7: 16-17 gives valuable insight into judging things in and of themselves:
...wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.
But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil; for after this manner doth the devil work, for he persuadeth no man to do good, no, not one; neither do his angels; neither do they who subject themselves unto him.
So we are to judge things based on what they entice us to do. Notice, the text does not say, "If it entices you to do better than something else does, then it is of God." There is no comparison involved.
Along the same vein, but slightly different, there is another reference. 3 Nephi 14: 20:
Wherefore, by their fruits ye shall know them.
Ok. So we are told that if it produces good, then it is good. Again, no comparison needed. It is talking about something in and of itself.
The next point is one that I have heard from MANY sources, but have chosen here to draw from my favorite of all General Authority addresses: Jeffrey R. Holland's memorable BYU devotional address "Remember Lot's Wife".
Dismiss the destructive and keep dismissing it, until the beauty of the Atonement of Christ has revealed to you your bright future, and the bright future of your family and your friends and your neighbors. God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are, and with His help, where you are willing to go. (Emphasis added)
Judging something against its past. Judging by progress. Judging something in and of itself. If I think that I am more righteous than so-and-so because I have not made the 'mistakes' they have made, I am not taking into account this important principle. If I have only progressed 1 step since I was 17, and so-and-so has progressed 25, how does that make me so great? That kind of makes me look like an idiot, truth be told. Maybe there are reasons I have not progressed, and God knows all, but comparison is a tricky standard. Do away with it. God doesn't use it, so why should we?
Elder Holland also brushed on the topic of comparison itself in his legendary talk "The Tongue of Angels". Of course, there he was talking specifically on how we treat our children, but I think it's useful here.
And try not to compare your children, even if you think you are skillful at it. You may say most positively that “Susan is pretty and Sandra is bright,” but all Susan will remember is that she isn’t bright and Sandra that she isn’t pretty. Praise each child individually for what that child is, and help him or her escape our culture’s obsession with comparing, competing, and never feeling we are “enough.” (Emphasis added).
Perhaps there are instances when comparison is useful and Godly. I can't think of any, so for now I want to move away from it. For now, I want to eradicate it in my life. Compare only to say "this enticeth me to do good, produces good fruit, and invites a forward walking--this other thing does not. I choose light. I choose Truth. I choose good fruit, and progress, and Charity, and Hope, and Faith, and Life."
I hope that I will be able to judge righteously as I move through life, and that all can be done in the spirit of faith, hope, and charity. As a great Mormon Theologists friend, and brother recently stated in the comments section of a guest blog post he composed,
"Repentance is not simply the 4 step sequence of addressing individual acts or thoughts but the re-orientation and transformation of our entire being. Crucially, repentance is always without exception about me, about us, not about others. The moment we look outward to others as those in need of change is the moment that we have lost faith, hope, and charity. Repentance is about our own destabilization and constant re-adjustment of what we thought we knew and how we can more precisely love and forgive. Repentance requires that we constantly be broken down and made new. How soon before that which is new becomes old again? The process of beginning again with new eyes is relentless. If we cannot see others and the world around us with new, restored eyes we cannot give ourselves to them in those ways that are mutually redemptive. The Restoration, then, is decidedly not simply the restoration of original doctrines and practices, but the constant personal restoration of our souls through repentance." -Jacob Baker "Sexual Transgression and Dwelling Together in Love"
