Father Time

"And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time."
- "What Sarah Said" Death Cab for Cutie Plans

I'm feeling a little angst-y tonight-- a bit restless. I (deep breath) am leaving Eagle Mountain this week--in a few days. Trouble is (hoping to save face) when asked to produce a reason for doing so by a friend at church today, I could only shrug, look her in the eye and (forgive me) state simply, "because I'm 21 years old."
So I will go back to Provo. Nine months ago I left Provo, for seemingly no reason, now I return with seemingly no reason... Plans.
Sometimes, life produces a day that demands an inventory. That was yesterday for me. June 18, 2011. It marked two years since the day that I flew back to the US after my Study Abroad in Spain. I was a different person that day than I am now, which is so obvious a statement I am blushing for the stupidity of having typed the words, and the further-felt stupidity and embarrassment for not changing them now.
I remember it well, returning back to Eagle Mountain for a quick two-month visit. I remember many things, but much of it is a blur. Just water under the bridge. A whole string of events that, "Are what they are, do not blame [insert here anything we try to blame the past on]".
You know, there is no point in trying to change things. It's the "if we had cake we could have cake and ice cream... if we had ice cream" way of thinking. Sometimes something just isn't meant to be. When something has found turned up with enough missing parts that a favorable resolution is not even in the cards, wishing never does anything but make one sound desperately ridiculous.
Speaking of "meant to be" things... I was laughing today at a fortune from a restaurant that I have stuck in the corner of a big picture frame in my room. The fortune reads as follows:
"Like the river flow into the sea. Something are just meant to be."
Clearly good Asian to English translations are not one of those things that are meant to be. In defense of the Asians... these translations do lead to some truly good laughs over here in the Western Hemisphere.
I'm being sassy tonight. There is nothing flip about wanting so badly to change something you would give everything you were to change it.... if you had anything left to give. I sound like I have it all together, like I have it all figured out. Really I am writing for myself. Really, this is all deeply, personally, horrifically resonant. Really, I just keep mentally looping another line from the above-mentioned song:

"It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds."

For the record, the lucky numbers on that fortune are 10, 13, 19, 23, 28 and 56.
So there you have it. Something are just meant to be. And Something are not. And off to bed with me--faulty memories, angst-y Plans, and all.

Soundtrack of the evening:
"What Sarah Said" -Death Cab
"Such Great Heights--Cover" -Iron and Wine
"Different Names for the Same Thing" -Death Cab
"Rebellion (Lies)"- Arcade Fire