Do you ever feel like you want different things than other people want? Perhaps it's more that feeling of wanting different things than other people want for you.
No, that's not it. Both of these thoughts play a strong role in this emotion, but it is more even than a mere synthesis of the two.
I just want something and I'm not sure I have the courage to get it. Or the luck. Or probably the faith.
I think this is the most beautiful sight I have ever beheld: a massive expanse of pine and other greenery lightly dampened with a drizzle from the heavy-laden heavens. Looking out across the Puget Sound in all its grey, dull loneliness and feeling my heart will break for the love of this view. It is as if in this moment, nothing that I do not like need exist, I can forget about all of the ugly in the world, and concentrate for a moment on this new thing.
Speaking of new things, I have made a new friend. His name is Owen, and he has this sweet, simple way of looking at the world as though he's never seen it before. And, well, he hasn't. Owen is 5 months old, and the dearest thing. I feel as though he has quietly taught me a great deal in the past few days as I have had the blessed opportunity to watch him watch the world. This morning I took him out on the balcony to calm a bout of atypical fussiness and watched as little droplets of rain fell gently on his light brown hair. As we stood there on that balcony, together, with that view, I thought to myself, "If I were to have this to look upon every day for the rest of my life, I hope I'd never damn myself enough to stop wondering at its elegant majesty."
Looking into the brilliantly wise eyes of that child as he takes in the world, bit by bit, beauty by beauty, I wonder if that is how I felt at his age. I wonder if in my heart I felt the same way about everything else as I do now about this new place. I wonder if I had somehow promised myself that I'd never stop looking at the world as though I had never seen it before. Then, I hadn't seen it before. Lately, I have been tired; I have "seen enough". But as I watch him, I realize that I needed this new place to remind myself of how much I love living. Maybe I don't have what it takes to get what I want, so I will make up what it takes and then I will have it. Will it take courage? I guess. So I will make that up as I go too. On Monday it will be twenty-two years since I started living, and I am making myself a promise now to start living again.
Happy birthday to me.
1 comment :
This is beautiful my dear. Well spoken. Ermmmm. Written.
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